bookshelves of doom

Humble Bundle: Audiobooks!

Lots of stuff, ranging from The Perfect Storm to Fight Club to How Music Works.

Currently, $10 will get you the whole collection, and I have no doubt that they'll be adding more as the sale goes on.

Semi-Grown-Up Gumshoes: Three Adult-Market Girl Detectives.

I've been meaning to read Sara Gran's Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead for, well, years.

Finally, tipped over the edge by Colleen Mondor's response to a recent Kirkus column of mine...

That one sounded like a poor attempt at a teenage Claire DeWitt to me... @bkshelvesofdoom

— Colleen Mondor (@chasingray) June 3, 2014

...I did.

In so doing, I was inspired to compile a SHORT list of girl detectives who reside in the Adult Stacks.

Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead, by Sara Gran

Claire is now in her thirties, but she STARTED OUT as a teen detective: first, running around Brooklyn solving mysteries with her two best friends according to the tenets laid out in Jacques Silette's detective handbook/philosophical treatise Détection, and then, investigating the disappearance of one of those friends.

She never found her.

It's been years since she's been in New Orleans—she left after her beloved mentor was murdered—but now she's back, investigating the disappearance of a District Attorney who went missing during Hurricane Katrina. It's full of great descriptions and depictions of post-disaster wreckage, New Orleans culture, and gentrification; the dialogue is excellent, there's a fantastic sense of place and atmosphere, and the mystery itself is tight tight tight. It's about innocence lost and about lost innocents, about history repeating itself, about different ways of dealing with tragedy and about how easy it is to lose one's self.

All that would be fantastic on its own, but where the book really shines is in Claire's voice, which reads both totally original AND classic noir. She's got a deep well of sadness and anger, but she's also understatedly hilarious. To say that she's not entirely reliable is probably an understatement—she's got a history of psychiatric problems as well as a penchant for abusing drugs and alcohol on a regular basis—but, at the same time, I never doubted that she was speaking her own truth.

I had a few issues: there is some unnecessary repetition in description and explanation (her truck, what wet is, info about OPP), but more bizarrely, there is a refrigerator that mysteriously appears out of nowhere (at first I chalked it up to her semi-instability, but as there was never another moment like it, I'm pretty sure it was a weird continuity error):

Newish appliances in the kitchen and a hole where the refrigerator had been. p28

Next I took prints from some spots around the house a visitor was likely to touch, labeling them as I went. The doorknobs. The refrigerator. p36

And, this is completely a matter of personal taste, but the Quaker parakeets as a metaphor for the forgotten/lost/unwanted of New Orleans was a little too LOOK IT'S A METAPHOR for me.

But, overall, HOLY COW I LOVED IT, and I'm going to request book two from the library TODAY.

What Was Lost, by Catherine O'Flynn 

I read this YEARS ago, and apparently never wrote about it. Which is sad, because it was great.

It's about a 10-year-old girl detective who skulks around a shopping mall, trailing suspects and investigating imaginary mysteries... until she disappears, never to be seen again. Twenty years later, a mall security guard—who was a classmate of hers—spots her on the surveillance footage...

A Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie, by Alan Bradley:

June, 1950. When we first meet eleven-year-old Flavia de Luce, she's tied up, gagged, and locked in a dark closet. Not for long, though: her older sisters Ophelia and Daphne may have her beat in terms of pure physicality, but they'll never be a match for her brain.

So when a real tangle of a mystery arrives at Buckshaw—quite literally at the front door—Flavia isn't just intrigued: she's ecstatic. She doesn't know what the dead jackdaw means, or why it has a Penny Black postage stamp impaled on its beak. But she does know that it means something to her philatelist father: and whatever it is, it isn't good. When she finds a dying man in the cucumber patch later that night—a man who she saw arguing with her father just hours before—the mystery becomes that much more intriguing... and with her father as the most logical suspect, her need to find out the truth becomes that much more urgent.

Others? There MUST be more.

Challenge update: Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time.

From the Lebanon Democrat:

The book in question, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time,” was banned from the reading list at the board’s May 5 meeting and was removed from the possession of students soon after. However, the books were given back to students on the advice of school board attorney Mike Jennings due to a possible conflict with a board policy.

“The word ban was a bad choice of words. I wanted it removed from the reading list, but instead we go out and start removing books from libraries and kids arms and they couldn’t do reports. That was not the intent of that,” said board member Wayne McNeese, who made the original motion.

After going back and reading the previous articles multiple times, comparing McNeese's comments here to his comments a few weeks ago... I have written and erased so many snarky responses that I've lost track. Because it seems to me that he wants it both ways: for the book not to be in use at the school, AND for people to not see him as a censor.

I just figure if you're going to go for it, OWN IT.

Previously.

If There Be Thorns, Part Two: Dollanganger #3 -- V.C. Andrews

Romantic Incest 101: Flowers in the Attic, Petals on the Wind, and If There Be Thorns: Part One.

p71. PART TWO.

p73-86. JORY. 

Okay, things are ramping up: Jory takes issue with Bart being a puke to Cathy, Bart escalates by TAKING A SWING AT JORY'S HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT, they wrestle.

Also, Bart now knows that his biological father was Bart Winslow (duh) and not Doctor Paul.

Jory tries to get Corinne to stop spending time with Bart.

Also, he knows he's super-handsome, but knows that talent is what matters, because beauty fades. (But he still digs beauty.)

Why was she telling me her life story? I didn't care. [ME EITHER, KID. ME EITHER.]

...

"I married for a second time. My four children hated me for it. [Yes, Corrine, THAT'S why they hated you. HOW DID SHE GET OUT OF THE ASYLUM? She must have escaped, because she is CLEARLY STILL BANANAS.] ... "Children always think adults have it so easy. That's not always true. Children think a widowed mother doesn't need anyone but them." She sighed. "They think they can give her enough love, because they don't understand there are all kinds of love, and it's hard for a woman to live without a man once she's been married."[Oh, Corinne, Chris and Cathy are WELL-ACQUAINTED with the type of love to which you're referring, assuming that you're talking about RAPEY SEX LOVE.]

These characters seem to think as long as you SIGH OFTEN ENOUGH, you can convince ANYONE OF ANYTHING.

Also, Corinne gets WAAAAY TMI with Jory about her past.

Including marrying her uncle. OH, EXCUSE ME, HER "HALF UNCLE".

AND SHE CONSIDERS CORY'S DEATH 'ACCIDENTAL'. YES, CORINNE, I'M SURE THAT YOU 'ACCIDENTALLY' DUSTED THOSE DOUGHNUTS WITH ARSENIC. THESE THINGS JUST HAPPEN SOMETIMES.

He gave her a smoldering look of resentment and hobbled into his hole, wherever that was.[AHAHAHA, okay, you get points for that one, Jory.]

After getting her to promise not to hang out with Bart any more, Jory witnesses the UNVEILING OF A PAINTING (because V.C. Andrews) OF THE OLD LADY WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER... AND SOMEBODY CALL ROD SERLING, BECAUSE SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIS MOTHER!

And then, all dramatically, she tells him who she really is. Again.

AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE BART KILLED JORY'S DOG.

A dog that I thought was a cat up until a couple of chapters ago, but whatever.

p87-97. BART.

So, Malcolm's journal continues to be a charming circus of fun and delight: Now he's talking about how his interest in S&M—emphasis on the S, not-necessarily consensual, and DEFINITELY NO SAFE WORDS—led him to God. You know, so he wouldn't go to hell.

Bart doesn't actually think that Corinne is his grandmother. Or that's what he's saying at the moment. She's just some old lady who loves him because he's so damn lovable.

He's peeved that Cathy bought Cindy a new bathing suit. Maybe he expected her to wear his hand-me-down swim trunks?

Jory's dog Clover has been missing for two weeks, but Bart is still building him a doghouse. Why they'd give a kid who A) can't feel pain and B) can't look sideways at a gallon of milk without spilling it and C) is TOTALLY MENTALLY UNBALANCED access to carpentry equipment I don't know.

He's also so in love with his dog that he likes to PICK UP WARM POOPS AND SQUISH THEM THROUGH HIS FINGERS. I barf.

John Amos is still on the blah blah blah, women are naked and sinful and evil, blah blah blah train.

Chris and Cathy are still squabbling about their mother—Chris doesn't understand why Cathy won't "forgive and forget"... THAT SHE LOCKED THEM IN AN ATTIC FOR YEARS AND KILLED THEIR BROTHER—and so on.

At the chapter's end, Bart INJURES HIMSELF, JAMS HIS FINGER INTO THE WOUND TO MAKE IT BLEED MORE, IS NOW GUSHING BLOOD, HAS STARTED DRINKING FROM THE FISHPOND, AND FOUND CLOVER DEAD IN A HOLLOW TREE. 

He's apparently more aware of his deteriorating mental state than I thought, as he isn't sure if he killed Clover or not.

NOW HE'S DECIDED THAT HE, HIMSELF, IS DEAD. 

IF ONLY.

p98-106. JORY.

Bart has GANGRENE and might lose his leg.

And of course Christopher INSISTS on treating him himself, even though he doesn't even know whether or not he's allergic to penicillin. (He is.)

TWO DAYS OF HIVES, AND HE'S ALSO ALLERGIC TO EVERY OTHER ANTIBIOTIC KNOWN TO MAN.

Cathy asks for aspirin and Chris gives her tranquilizers. BECAUSE CHRIS KNOWS BEST.

Apparently the ENTIRE FAMILY AGREES: Given a choice between amputating Bart's leg and letting him die, they'd RATHER LET HIM DIE.

Jory goes home to feed Apple and finds him chained up in the barn, fur all matted, starving and dehydrated. YAY ANIMAL CRUELTY. So he fixes Apple up, which I'm sure will GO OVER REALLY WELL WITH BART, ASSUMING HE LIVES.

Bart's going to live AND keep his leg. It was infected not only because of the rusty nail, but also because of ALL OF THE POOP IN THE WOUND.

He and Jory talk about how Corinne is afraid of John Amos.

If Bart refers to Apple as his "puppy-pony" ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO SCREAM.

Annnnnd scene.

p107-116. BART.

UGH, BART. HE WANTS TO BE LOVED BUT FEELS THAT HE ISN'T SO WHENEVER ANYONE SHOWS HIM AFFECTION HE'S A JERK SO THEN THEY DRAW AWAY BUT THEN HE RESENTS THEM FOR NOT SHOWERING HIM WITH AFFECTION AND HE'S JUST THE WORST.

ALSO, HE HATES WOMEN. SO JOHN AMOS' PLAN IS COMING ALONG NICELY, WHATEVER IT IS.

Good food and smiles and kisses were all parts of "feminine wiles." [TOTALLY! I have an idea, Bart: Why don't you start making all of your own meals? OR JUST STOP EATING ENTIRELY. THAT'LL SHOW 'EM!]

...

That's all it took—one hour and they were tired of me and wishing I had died. [Bart, if you had died, I wouldn't have faulted them for throwing a party.]

He sneaks out to go and see Apple, and is FURIOUS to find that Apple ISN'T starving and miserable. 

I WANT SOMEONE TO SQUASH THIS KID LIKE A BUG. Maybe they can get Jack Gleeson to come out of retirement to play him. 

Bart walks in on John Amos, who was reading JUGGS. (I don't know if it was Juggs. But judging by how quickly he hid it, I'm guessing it was that or something similar.)

If we cut out the number of times that John Amos tells Bart A) Corrine's name, B) that she is his grandmother, and C) that she was Malcolm's daughter, this book would be four pages long.

John Amos gets him to SWEAR TO WRECK VENGEANCE on Malcolm's enemies, and Corinne slips up, referring to Christopher by name. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

p116-121. JORY.

He has really gone bananas, was all I could think as I listened to him.[NO DUH, JORY. WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF? WAS IT THE FACT THAT HE IS CURRENTLY DIGGING HOLES IN THE YARD... WITH HIS MOUTH?]

Although points for nicely twisting Bible verses to make them ugly. Beth Ellen Hansen's got nothing on Bart.

Oh, nice. So Chris and Cathy have KNOWN that Bart has gone bonkers... they've just been WAITING FOR JORY TO COME TO THEM ABOUT IT. WAIT TO BE PROACTIVE, GUYS. MAN, JULIE COOPER HAS BETTER PARENTING SKILLS THAN YOU DO.

"You've both been so worried about Bart that I couldn't speak." [SINCE WHEN HAVE THEY BEEN WORRIED? THEY'VE BEEN TOO BUSY SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER AND HAVING MAKE-UP SEX IN THE LIVING ROOM TO NOTICE WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND THEM.]

WHO FINDS THE BODY OF HIS MURDERED DOG AND DOESN'T TELL HIS PARENTS IMMEDIATELY?

He tells them all about the toys and Apple and the lady next door... BUT HE FAILS TO MENTION THAT SHE CLAIMS TO BE THEIR GRANDMOTHER. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT VITAL INFO OR ANYTHING.

Erm. Bart says a whole bunch of stuff to Cathy that is CLEARLY based on their family history, but SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

And then she tells Chris about it (because he's a MAN, so HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO), AND HE JUST BRUSHES HER OFF AND SAYS THAT BART WILL BE A GREAT ACTOR SOMEDAY.

Characters I would like to throw off of a cliff, in order from most hateful to most idiotic: ALL OF THEM.

p122-130. BART.

Bart is hanging out, picking scabs and chewing himself swollen and bloody so that Cathy will worry about him. Which, gross.

Emma makes him a birthday cake—like, a month late, but whatever—and he throws it on the ground because it doesn't have the right number of candles.

I'm thinking that Cindy's paddle pool is the V.C. Andrews equivalent of Chekhov's gun. AND BY 'THINK', I MEAN 'HOPE'.

Oh, great, now Cindy is naked and "tormenting" Bart with her "bare flesh". REMINDER: SHE IS TWO.

Ahahahaha, John Amos says that Corrine never "punished her children enough". I guess that imprisonment, abandonment, and arsenic doughnuts don't count.

BART TOTALLY TRIED TO DROWN CINDY. 

Jory caught him, and Bart claimed to be "just punishing her a little", but Jory's not having it. So Bart hauls off and KICKS JORY IN THE CUBES. (Jory, being Jory, chides him for unsportsmanlike behavior whilst writhing around on the ground in pain.)

Everybody hated me, and would be glad to see me in my grave. [WELL I WONDER WHY.]

THEN HE PUNCHES EMMA AND CATHY TACKLES HIM (WHILE WEARING A SKIMPY BLUE BIKINI) AND SO HE TRIES TO BITE CATHY... AND THEN SHE SENDS HIM UP TO THE ATTIC!!!

SHE TELLS HIM TO DROP HIS PANTS (BECAUSE SPANKING HAS TO BE ON THE BARE BOTTOM, OBVS), AND HE TELLS HER THAT IF SHE DOES IT, HE'LL BIDE HIS TIME AND 'GET' CINDY AND HE WON'T GO TO JAIL BECAUSE HE'S A MINOR.

At this point he's making Mrs. Rochester look totally sane.

AND SO HE RANTS A BUNCH MORE AND SHE RUNS AWAY, LOCKING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

Later, Christopher spanks him—but remember, old Bartie doesn't feel pain, so big whoop—and says that A) they're sending him to a psychiatrist and B) if he "persists in defying" them, THEY'RE GOING TO COMMIT HIM.

NOT BECAUSE HE THREATENED TO KILL HIS SISTER, NOT BECAUSE HE (MAYBE) KILLED A DOG, BUT BECAUSE HE WON'T BEHAVE.

And now Christopher is screaming at Cathy for locking Bart up in the attic.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT I'M KIND OF ON CATHY'S SIDE HERE.

He goes to the psychiatrist and disapproves of the fact that she has boobs.

p130-135. JORY.

Man, Bart is a horrorshow, but ALL JORY EVER DOES IS EAVESDROP.

Our nighttime talks were the kind of tucking in he gave me . . . advice on how to handle difficult situations. Man-to-man stuff a woman didn't have to know about.[UGGGGGGGGGGH.]

Jeepers, was the dad from We Need to Talk About Kevin based on Christopher? Because they are equally dense.

Speaking of Chekhov's gun, is Christopher going to die in a car accident like his father? BECAUSE JORY'S ALWAYS HARPING ON ABOUT CATHY SAYING "DRIVE CAREFULLY" WHENEVER CHRIS GOES ANYWHERE.

Cathy offers Bart some lemon meringue pie, so he smashes her porcelain ballerina, then shoves Cindy off of her lap and onto the floor. GOOD TIMES, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And now Jory is holding her and comforting her.

As you never can tell with this family, I'll be clear: He's comforting her, not "COMFORTING HER". BUT THERE'S STILL HALF A BOOK LEFT, WHO KNOWS WHAT IS YET TO COME??

Also, Cathy's going on and on about how hard parenting is and she never knew it was so complicated AND IS THIS BOOK ULTIMATELY GOING TO BE ABOUT HOW CORINNE WAS JUST HORRIBLY MISUNDERSTOOD?

IF SO, I WILL RALPH.

END OF PART TWO.

If There Be Thorns, Part One: Dollanganger #3 -- V.C. Andrews

Backstory: Flowers in the Attic and Petals on the Wind.

If There Be Thorns begins:

In the late evening when the shadows were long, I sat quiet and unmoving near one of Paul's marble statues. I heard the statues whispering to me [clearly her Years of Incestuous Bliss with Chris haven't improved Cathy's stability any] of the past I could never forget; hinting slyly of the future I was trying to ignore. Flickering ghostly in the pale light of the rising moon were the will-o'-the-wisp regrets [what] that told me daily I could and should have done differently. [JEEPERS, WOMAN. YOU ESCAPED YOUR MURDERESS MOTHER; YOU GOT REVENGE ON HER THAT INCLUDED GETTING KNOCKED UP BY HER HUSBAND, BURNING HER HOUSE DOWN, AND GETTING HER COMMITTED; AND YOU ARE NOW LIVING AN IDYLLIC LIFE WITH YOUR HUSBAND/BROTHER. WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT??] But I am what I have always been, a person ruled by instincts. It seems I can never change.

Also on p3: Cathy found "a strand of silver" in her hair, so soon she "might be her grandmother". Which is a totally reasonable logical leap.

And it looks like Jory and Bart are going to narrate some, if not all, of this book.

Part One

p5. JORY.

In case you've forgotten, Jory's first name is actually Julian, after his father, Cathy's first husband, the abusive rapist ballet dancer. But they call him Jory, in memory of Julian (suicide via embroidery scissors) and Cory (murder by doughnut).

I was hoping that Jory's narration would be less convoluted than Cathy's, but, no: 

Whenever Dad didn't drive me home from school, a yellow school bus would let me off at an isolated spot where I would recover my bike from the nearest ravine, hidden there each morning before I stepped onto the bus. [I... where the hell do you live, kid? A totally isolated, yet high bike-theft area?]

To reach my home I had to travel a winding narrow road without any houses until I came to the huge deserted mansion [because of course] that invariably drew my eyes, making me wonder who had lived there; why had they deserted it? When I saw that house I automatically slowed, knowing soon I'd be home. 

The travelogue continues, but I'll spare you. They live twenty miles north of San Francisco, and in the next three sentences, he tells us that the area is "cold", "dreary", "cold" (yes, again), "eerie", "spooky", "mysterious", and "romantic".

He also has "vague, disturbing memories" about "a southern garden full of giant magnolia trees dripping with Spanish moss".

p6. Oh, good. He wants to be a famous dancer, so his father will have "not lived and died in vain". Because the way to future happiness is in basing your life around proving that your Dead Abusive Rapist Father was a great dancer.

He sees his ballerina grandmother annually, so apparently Cathy reconciled with her at some point.

"Safe in the valley where the wind doesn't blow," my mother said often. Too often, really—as if the wind blowing greatly distressed her. [GOOD THING THEY SETTLED NEAR THE COAST, THEN.]

They have a cook/housekeeper, Emma, who is "pleasingly plump" and waits on Young Bart a lot because he breaks/spills everything he touches.

p7-8. The boys spend a lot of time sitting on a wall.

THIS BOOK IS RIVETING, I TELL YOU WHAT.

Oh, good, Cathy's dancing up in the attic. She is "compelled" to do so, despite the heat and the dust. Apparently airing it out is not in the cards. And she A) hides the fact that she does it from Chris, and B) has "warned" Jory to keep it from him as well. AWESOME PARENTING, CATHY. ALWAYS NICE TO INVOLVE YOUR KIDS IN YOUR CRAZY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW HIM YOUR STASH OF 'LUDES, TOO, AND THEN SWEAR HIM TO SECRECY ABOUT THAT AS WELL. 

Speaking of, you'd think that Chris and Cathy would have either A) bought a house WITHOUT an attic, or B) bought a house that doesn't have a HIDDEN DOOR TO THE ATTIC.

This time I was going up. This time I was going to listen to the excuses she gave him. For Dad would catch her! [Wow, he's Cathy's son all right: voyeurism and starting sentences with 'for' and EVERYTHING.]

Jory is fourteen; Bart is nine. Wow. I'd really assumed that Jory was, like, seven and that Bart was a toddler. RECALIBRATING.

I wondered often about the different facets my parents had. One for the public to view; another for Bart and me, and the third, most fervent side, which they showed only to each other. (How could they know their two sons were not always discreet enough to turn away and leave like they should?) [Um. Ew. So, like, Chris and Cathy just start going at it with the kids in the room? FANTASTIC. That's not scarring or anything.]

Cathy is thirty-seven.

AND HAS GONE 'ROUND THE BEND, JUDGING BY THE SOLO DANCE PARTY SHE'S HOLDING.

p9-10. Um. Cathy has installed twin beds in the attic. FOR THE BOYS? IS SHE PLANNING TO STICK THE BOYS IN THE ATTIC? 

Ever the VOICE OF REASON (<--well, occasionally), Chris is NOT PLEASED.

"Catherine," Dad went on in the same cold, hard voice, "don't stand there and try to look innocent, like some wicked child caught stealing. Why are those beds here, all made up with clean sheets and new blankets? Why the picnic hamper? Haven't we seen enough of that type of basket to last us our whole lives through?"

PICNICS ARE OFF-LIMITS, CATHY. YOU KNOW THIS.

"I ask myself each day how I can come home and not be tired of you, and still feel as I do after so many years, and after all that has happened." [BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENT MUCH, CHRIS?]

Cathy claims that she DOESN'T REMEMBER buying the basket or installing the beds.

Also, she's decorated with "pretty pictures of flowers on the walls". THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.

p11-13. Blah, blah, blah, the grandmother is dead and Momma is thousands of miles away, let's make out and DANCE. 

Shriveled up tight and small, I watched him try to do the difficult ballet steps that would have been so easy for me. He didn't have enough skill or grace to partner someone as skilled as my mom. It was embarrassing to even see him try. [YOU'RE embarrassed, Jory? I'M embarrassed. Because suddenly I think I see where this is going and ew.]

Stuff Jory is overhearing has convinced him that his parents may not have been entirely truthful about their past. OH JORY, IF YOU ONLY KNEW. 

"Okay, you're feeling better, yourself again," Dad said. "I want you to solemnly promise that if anything ever happens to me, be it tomorrow, or years from now, you swear that you will never, so help you God, hide Bart and Jory in the attic so you can go unencumbered into another marriage." [WHICH, OF COURSE, TOTALLY DISCOUNTS THE WHOLE REASON MOMMA HID THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT WHATEVER. LOGIC GENERALLY DOESN'T APPLY TO THE DOLLANGANGERS.]

...

Mom wouldn't do that. She couldn't! She loved me. She loved Bart too. [I'm sure he appreciates his afterthought status, you arrogant twerp.] Even if she did look at him sometimes with shadows in her eyes, still she would never, never hide us away in this attic. [NEVER SAY NEVER, JORY.]

CHRIS THROWS THE PICNIC BASKET OUT THE WINDOW! DOWN WITH PICNICS!

Cathy apparently wants to adopt another kid. GOOD IDEA, CATHY.

Sounds like Chris visits Momma every summer. VERY HEALTHY, CHRIS.

p14-15. BART. 

Wish I was graceful like him. Wish I could dance and charm everybody into likin me. Jory was bigger, older, smarter—but wait a minute. Maybe I could make myself smarter if not bigger. My head was big. [BART = CARRIE!!]

Okay, so Bart doesn't feel physical pain because his nerve endings are too short. Or something like that. But that doesn't explain his countrified dialect, which doesn't remotely line up with anyone else's in the book. (Well, except Carrie, but she's dead.)

p17-18. Ah, the wall they hang out on belongs to the DESERTED MANSION. They wander around INSIDE the mansion a lot, too.

None of the bathrooms worked. No water. [How totally odd in an abandoned house.] Crazy sinks with no water and stupid fruit cellar [I can't escape fruit cellars lately.] with no fruit, and wine cellar with no wine.

Jory wants to buy Cathy a house. No word as to whether he's planning to let Chris and Bart live with them.

WORKMEN ARRIVE AT THE DESERTED MANSION.

p19. They immediately begin painting and wallpapering. Because why bother getting the water turned back on and, I dunno, CLEANING IT FIRST.

According to one of the workers (who yells at the boys... for sitting on the wall?), some "rich dame" with servants bought the place.

p20. Chris and Cathy aren't "too happy about neighbors they didn't intend to visit and make welcome." Man, they're charmers.

p21. JORY. Bart doesn't like anything but snack foods. HAVE A DOUGHNUT, BART.

One of Cathy's ballerinas got in a car accident and has a two-year-old daughter who reminds her of Carrie (*shudder*) and what do you want to bet that somehow they're going to end up adopting her? Oh, her name is Cindy. THAT'S A DONE DEAL, THEN.

p22. Cathy doesn't like the house because Doctor Paul's statues don't look right in the garden. Okaaaaaay.

I can't figure out whether Bart is a sociopath or just profoundly weird.

p23. Bart wants to know why Chris looks so much like Cathy's father. DO TELL, CATHY.

p24-25. The rich lady and her butler arrive, and Bart continues to channel Carrie: "Hate black dresses that drag on the ground. Hate ole ladies who want black veils over their heads. Hate spooks."

Jory, meanwhile, is channeling Tim Roth from Lie to Me: "Even from our hidden place, I could tell she felt nothing but scorn for the butler. Gee—intrigue." GEE, INDEED.

Like Victoria Grayson, the old lady in the black veil will be able to SEE INTO THEIR HOUSE from her second floor. LET'S HOPE THAT CHRIS AND CATHY HAVE INVESTED IN CURTAINS.

Maids are running around DOING THINGS, while she's just STANDING THERE, STARING AT THE DOLLANGANGER'S CHIMNEY.

p26. Bart is a caterpillar murderer.

And pulls the legs off of spiders. Nice kid.

Meanwhile, Jory is going on and on about the beautiful sunset and the "music of colors". I hope they both fall down a well.

p27. Lady in Black now has animal topiaries.

p28. Jory has progressed from Parent Voyeur to Peeping Tom. The veiled woman has JAGGED ROWS OF SCARS ON EACH SIDE OF HER FACE, which makes him assume that she must have had a cat in the past.

p29. AND ALSO, SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE THEIR MOTHER.

JORY IS NOW SMASHING HIS FACE INTO CATHY'S BOOBS, AS WELL-ADJUSTED FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD SONS SO OFTEN DO.

p30-1. BART. 

They looked at me, but they didn't see me. They didn't know who I was. To them I was just a thing to sit at their table and try to swallow the stuff they put on my plate. My thoughts were all around, but they didn't read my mind, couldn't figure me out at all. [UMMMMM. NO BART, YOU AREN'T CREEPY AND MENACING AT ALL.]

He's headed off to the mansion.

Plaintively was one of the new words I had to use. One new word each day, and Daddy gave a list of seven words to both Jory and me, insistin we use today's word at least five times in our conversation. Didn't need a bigger vocabulary. Knew how to talk good enough already. [Yeesh, Bart and Chris deserve each other.]

p32. Bart just marches up to the mansion and bangs on the front door. HE MIGHT BE A PSYCHO, BUT HE'S A PSYCHO WITH CHUTZPAH.

The Woman in Black—let's not be coy, we totally think she's Corrine, right?—actually invited him over. That she's concerned about his welfare—"Do you have to slip away from your parents? Do they punish you often?"—is just RICH.

p33-34. Wait, did nine-year-old Bart REALLY just roll a cigarette and start smoking it?

Or is half of what he says fantasy?

Anyway, Probably-Corrine admits to standing around on a stepladder and spying on the boys. Because she's lonely, with only her butler John Amos to keep her company.

"Once I had two sons, now I don't," she said with her eyes cast down and her voice sad and tight. [GOSH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SONS?] "Then I wanted to have another son by my second husband, and I couldn't." [Because these are the things you say to nine-year-olds.] She looked up and met my eyes. "So I want you to take the place of the third son I couldn't have. I'm very rich, Bart. I can give you anything you want." [WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???]

...

"I've made so many mistakes, Bart." [AHAHAHAHA, YES, YOU LOCKED YOUR KIDS IN THE ATTIC FOR YEARS AND POURED ARSENIC ON THEIR DOUGHNUTS AND KEPT A CORPSE IN A TRUNK, BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE YOU DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS BY MISTAKE.]

...

"I've never won any game I've tried to play. I've always gone down in defeat even when I thought I held the winning cards." [OH CORINNE, I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. THE EMPATHY, I'M FEELING IT ALL. No, no I'm not.]

p35. Cathy is still not-so-secretly hoping that her "favorite student" will die so that she can have her kid.

And now she and Jory are laughing at Bart for pretending stuff all of the time AND I'M SURE THAT WON'T DRIVE HIM RIGHT OVER TO CORINNE OR ANYTHING. (I almost said INTO CORINNE'S ARMS BUT DIDN'T BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THEM IDEAS.)

p36. Three days in, and he's spending a lot of time in her lap, being "petted and pampered" and kissed on the cheek.

She's also given him a room full of toys.

And we finally meet John Amos, who is just as creepy as you'd expect him to be: "You like her, don't you?" he asked, slyly smilin, noddin his head up and down, from side to side, so I could be confused if I wanted. "When you want the full truth about who you are—and who she is—come to me." [YES, I'LL DO JUST THAT, JOHN AMOS. WHY DON'T YOU GO UP IN THE ATTIC AND WAIT FOR ME UP THERE.]

p37. I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT... EXCEPT A PONY. (Yes, literally. Because ponies MAKE YOU SMELL BAD.)

So she offers him a St. Bernard instead, but he's not having any of it... until she points out that only "the super rich can afford to feed a St. Bernard", which WINS HIM OVER.

Maybe someone will die soon.

Oh, good, now she's got him calling her Grandmother.

p38-39. NOW SHE'S BOSSING HIM ABOUT HIS TABLE MANNERS. THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG.

AND JOHN AMOS JUST TOLD HIM THAT SHE'S HIS ACTUAL GRANDMOTHER. SO MUCH FOR WAITING UNTIL BART ASKS FOR THE TRUTH, JOHN AMOS.

"Now you listen to me, boy, and you will never feel weak and ineffective again. You read a little of this book every day and it will teach you to be like your great-grandfather, Malcolm Neal Foxworth. Never on this earth did there live a man who was smarter than your own great-grandfather—the father of your grandmother who sits in that rocker and wears that ugly black veil." [UH OH.]

Also, women are evil users, especially beautiful ones. WHY EXACTLY DID SHE HIRE THIS GUY?

Wasn't really surprised by nothin he said, except I hadn't known women were that bad. Always suspected they were, but never really knew. I should warn Jory. [YES, IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE THAT THIS GENERALLY-SUSPICIOUS KID BELIEVES EVERYTHING OUT OF THIS TOTALLY CREEPY DUDE'S MOUTH. Maybe he's been taking Inconsistency Lessons from Hannah Gruen.]

...

"Now, if you want to save your everlasting soul from the fires of eternal hell, you will read this book and grow strong and powerful like your great-grandfather. Then women will never rule you again. You will rule them." [WELL, OKAY THEN. YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.]

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT THE JOURNAL SUGGESTS THAT THE DOLLANGANGER PROCLIVITY FOR INCEST GOES BACK FURTHER THAN CHRIS & CATHY'S PARENTS.

ALSO, IF YOU HATE YOUR MOTHER, WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR DAUGHTER AFTER HER?

OH, WAIT, probably to REMIND YOURSELF THAT WOMAN ARE EVIL.

p40. Just so you know, woman are "basically weak and stupid". So says John Amos, Bart's new best friend.

p41. JORY.

Cathy: "Possession is nine-tenths of the law...!" SHE IS TALKING ABOUT A PERSON HERE.

p42. "If we have Cindy before Nicole dies, the agency won't have any reason to investigate." THAT... MAKES... SENSE. (No. No, it doesn't.)

Christopher points out that Nicole might recover, and that even if she is "permanently crippled", she'll PROBABLY STILL WANT HER DAUGHTER.

To which Cathy responds, "But what kind of mother will she make?"

WOW.

DID WE ALREADY KNOW THAT CHRIS TALKED CATHY INTO GETTING STERILIZED?

IF NOT, WE DO NOW.

AS DOES JORY.

p43. Apparently every choice that Cathy has ever made has been Christopher's fault. 

p44. Nice. After being berated for PAGES, he threatens to leave, and she's all sorry and didn't mean any of it...

p45. ...but now she's berating him again.

HOLY COW, I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM AND I WANT TO LOCK HER IN THE ATTIC.

p46. And then they have make-up sex. Or I assume that they do, because Jory backs away because he doesn't want to "see too much". Liar.

ALTHOUGH I GUESS HE STAYED FOR LONGER THAN I THOUGHT, BECAUSE "Did a woman ever pull down a man's fly zipper of her own free will—even a wife?"

And then he runs off and overhears CORRINE sobbing.

Man, after tonight I'm betting he'll think twice before getting out of bed for a glass of water.

p47. Jory is now spying on Bart and Corrine. 

p48. Now HE'S banging on her door. And in he goes.

p49. Nicole died; Cindy's moving in.

p50. Psycho Bart tries to ATTACK HER, and Christopher uses the incident to squeeze in an I TOLD YOU SO.

I BET CINDY IS SUPER-JAZZED TO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT INTO THIS HAPPY FAMILY.

p52. BART. Well, Bart's misogyny is coming along swimmingly: He's now referring to the two-year-old as "wicked" because she isn't modest enough about her naked body and to his grandmother as "a tease" for not buying him a pony. JOHN AMOS MUST BE SO PROUD.

p53. Bart's word of the day is 'devious'. NICE CHOICE, CHRISTOPHER.

p54. Corinne warns Bart about John Amos. Who is her hired man. Um. Yeah.

p55. Jory barges into Corrine's place and drags Bart out, but he still doesn't mention the situation to Cathy and/or Chris. Then again, it's not like they're particularly stable, so.

p56-7. She gives him a St. Bernard, he's peeved because he's "suffered through" all of that ice cream and cuddling AND SHE STILL WON'T GET HIM A PONY.

SHE BOUGHT A SADDLE FOR THE DOG. A SADDLE. FOR THE DOG.

p58. I know that this dog is fictional, but I want to rescue it.

Also, I think that Corrine is finally realizing just how bonkers Bart is.

YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS IF CORRINE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY.

p60. Bart is demanding that no one feed his dog while he's gone. FOR THREE WEEKS.

p61-63. Between John Amos and the journal, Bart is getting very fire-and-brimstone-anti-woman. And sometimes says 'I' instead of 'he' when talking about Malcolm. SO THAT BODES WELL.

p63-64. JORY.

Cathy, on Bart and Mrs. Next-Door: "If he's over in that other yard, you tell me. I don't want you children bothering an old recluse, though I wish to heaven she'd stop climbing that ladder and staring at me over the wall." So, if the neighbor is creeping YOU out, Cathy, don't you think that you should maybe be PROACTIVE about keeping your kids away from her? Rather than making it your son's responsibility to police his brother? I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM STILL SURPRISED BY THIS STUFF.

Also, Jory has the hots for Melodie Richarme, another dancer. Because boobs.

Bart is trying to feed the puppy—who he's named 'Apple'—hay. Because he wants a pony, so.

p65. Sure, Jory. Your beloved mother asked you, LITERALLY ONE PAGE AGO, to tell her if Bart was hanging out next door, but you decide to keep the puppy thing to yourself, NOT TO MENTION THE WHOLE SHE CLAIMS TO BE YOUR GRANDMOTHER THING.

p66-70. BART. 

Corrine tells John Amos off for not knowing his place. YET CONTINUES TO EMPLOY HIM, so clearly there's more to it. OR MAYBE NOT, AS WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT LOGIC DOESN'T NECESSARILY FACTOR INTO THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS OF ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Speaking of, Bart is now mixing more and more hay into Apple's food. Because he thinks he can train a dog to live on hay.

ALSO, BART TEARS UP JORY'S GARDEN AND REPLANTS THE PLANTS IN HIS OWN GARDEN.

AND HE KILLED A CAT.

HE. KILLED. A. CAT.

END OF PART ONE, THANK THE LORD.

I never thought I'd miss Cathy and Chris, but man, these kids are killing me.

Kindle Daily Deal: Angry Robot.

Emma Newman's Between Two Thorns and Any Other Name are $1.99 today.

They LOOK intriguing, with cover art that somewhat reminiscent of Cassandra Rose Clarke's Assassin's Curse books, and they deal with magic and faery in the Regency Era, which oooooooooo.

Have you read them? Should I snap them up?

Rumor has it...

...that Lifetime is going to go ahead and adapt If There Be Thorns, Seeds of Yesterday, AND My Sweet Audrina. (No word on Garden of Shadows.)

Guess I'd better GET READING.

______________________________

Previously: Flowers in the Attic, Petals on the Wind.